It doesn’t seem like it was nine months ago, more like yesterday. I was shockingly surprised when I saw two pink lines show up on a pregnancy test. I think I must have stared at it for a half an hour before I wandered around the house looking for my husband. I remember my hands were actually shaking as I showed him the test.
Now, nine months later, a time when I thought I’d be snuggling with a sweet newborn, I’m left with an aching heart of longing for a new baby to hold and love.
This was my third loss, but somehow, this time, it has taken longer to heal. As Mother’s day is swiftly making its way towards me, it makes my heart pound. Why does it still sting so much?
More than that, why do I feel the need to have my heart not long for that little one? When did I put a time frame on my grief?
That sweet baby was a part of me. I loved him with all my heart before I even saw the positive result. I had already pictured the part he would take in our family. In my mind I could picture him in soft baby sleepers or wrapped up in a hooded towel after his bath. I could feel his soft weight that would have been in my arms.
My mind plays the ‘what if’ game constantly. I shrugged it off for too long but right now, I need to dig through all of the images and thoughts so that I can tuck them away and patch up this hole in my heart.
Grief has a funny way of showing up when we aren’t looking for it, the uninvited house guest. However, I’ve learned to roll with it, even if I have tears streaming down my face for what appears to be no apparent reason. Grief that drops me to my knees to hand all the pain over to God. A place where I can hide myself in Him.
I’ve stopped asking ‘why’ and have come to a place of trust. I trust He knows what is best for me. I trust that when I look back at this valley that I’ll be able to understand. I know that understanding may not come in my life time and I am at peace with that.
I’ve lived long enough to know that some of my greatest pains and losses have brought me to where I am.
This Mother’s Day my heart aches, it’s sore…but it is healing.
What has helped your heart heal after a loss?